Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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