hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He shit in the fireplace
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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