Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
