I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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