My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
