so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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