I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
