If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
