I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
