When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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