How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
