I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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