I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
