if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
