you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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