Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I party with great urgency now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
