theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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