The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
