Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
