The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
please come you make the beer taste better
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
