My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
