Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
