I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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