We're facebook friends in real life
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
