i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
even my farts smell like vagina
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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