My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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