I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
