By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
