Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
