i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
