Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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