i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
