Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
