Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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