The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
