Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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