I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
