Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
