I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
