batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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