Don't make out with my wife yet
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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