Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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