Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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