I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
