Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
