I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
