You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
