do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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