I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
