ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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